I like to think that I have sharp instincts and a knack for good flavors in the kitchen– my parents are both professional chefs, as is my brother. So in theory, I should be a supernatural.

But something in the kitchen always goes horribly wrong when I am asked to follow a recipe to make anything sweet. I just can’t do it! It’s a combination of extreme ADD, my lack of scientific know-how, and the recipe never warning you of what NOT to do. It’s never my fault, right?

I got really excited a few weeks ago when I found meyer lemons at Trader Joe’s so I bought a few packs. I figured I would bake something with them, but the ever-present sloth in me took over and so I went for this meyer lemon curd recipe from The House of Annie instead, sent over to me by Matt who liked the recipe. All I had to do is zest lemons, add sugar and eggs and stir over the stove for 15 minutes! PERFECT.

All ingredients.

Zesting all these lemons- PAIN IN THE ASS.

Heart my juicer.

Just add everything into a bowl! That’s it! Optimism level: 10

Mix.

Minute 1. Put in pot over medium heat. Optimism level: Still 10.

Minute 3. Recipe says to whisk until it thickens. It does not. Optimism level: 5.

Minute 8. It’s not thickening so I start to think that maybe the heat is too low? I turn it up, the curd starts to boil a little, and finally thickens. Stir frantically to keep it from burning on the bottom. Optimism level: 7.

Minute 10. Turn the heat down and it bubbles a little, but I keep stirring.

Minute 13. I start seeing these specks of white lumps. What is that? I figure it’ll boil down. Keep stirring. Optimism level: 8.

Minute 16. Lumps are not going down. WTF. Optimism level: 3.

Minute 21. White clumps do not go away. I frantically text Matt.

Kayoko: My lemon curd is super lumpy and curdy! Was yours like that?

Matt: No. You must’ve fucked up the eggs?

Kayoko: Fuck me.

(I realize right after I hit send that this last line could be interepreted in other ways. OOPS!)

Minute 23. I surrender to Meyer Lemon Curd Fail. Optimism level: Negative 5000.

I then get a text from Matt, “Get the eggs and butter to room temp first then add easy.”

GREAT, THANKS! Never got that memo!

I get it now. I shouldn’t have turned up the heat, which probably cooked the eggs too much. Any other insight?

I hope you learn from my Kitchen Follies!

I don’t get it- caramelizing onions looks like it would be so easy, right??? But somehow, I’m always fucking it up, every time. I watched this video online (the guy is kinda cute!) and thought alright, I can do this. WRONG!!!

It was all going so well- I chopped the onions, added oil, butter and brown sugar.

I turned the heat on medium, often stirring the onions so nothing burns. The video dude told me that it would take about 30-40 minutes, and as he suggested, I waited patiently.

Minute 10:

Minute 15. Starting to burn a little so I turn the heat down:

I leave the kitchen for FIVE MINUTES and this is what I came back to:

UGHHHHHH!!!! YAMAHOMO HELP ME!!!

Don’t worry though, I am not one to waste and ended up salvaging some onions to make chicken liver pate. That’s a whole other post that I’ll write soon- it’s my new favorite thing.

But for now I’m spending the day making curry- I’m gonna attempt to caramelize onions for it, so wish me luck!!!

In pure Yamahomo style, I’m battling myself in the kitchen. I’m doing so many recipe posts lately, I can’t stop! As you can tell, my unemployed ass is starting to cook more- what the hell else do I have to do, right??

This weekend, I had a stale baguette on my hands. I’m talking like 5 days stale. Like I could not crack it with my hands, stale. Like I had to pound on the cutting board with a sharp knife and wake everyone up in the house, stale. You get the picture.

But (again, in pure Yamahomo style), I wasn’t about to throw away this perfectly good piece of baguette, no matter how stale it was! So I nosed around, asking for a good bread pudding recipe.

There are hundreds of recipes for bread pudding on the I N T E R N E T, it gave me a fucking headache. Plus, I really am the worst baker, we all know this. I get a migraine just thinking about precise measurements.

But Michelle sent me this great recipe from her friend for buttered bread pudding. Sounds pretty awesome, right? The best part about this is how totally straightforward the ingredients and directions are. Here it is.

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1 baguette
1/2 stick (1/4 cup) unsalted butter
1 cup whole milk
1 3/4 cups heavy cream
4 large eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Cut enough baguette into 1-inch cubes to measure 4 cups and in a shallow baking pan toast bread in middle of oven until crisp but not golden, about 5 minutes. Melt butter and in an 8-inch square baking pan toss with bread.

In a bowl whisk together milk, cream, eggs, sugar, vanilla, and a pinch salt and pour over bread, stirring to coat. Chill pudding, covered, 1 hour.

Bake pudding in middle of oven until just set but still trembles slightly, about 50 minutes. Serve pudding warm or at room temperature.

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Totally easy right? Even the worst cook could pull this off. But this here cook lacks the most important quality imperative to baking: FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS.

Fail #1: First off, my bread was extremely stale. For bread pudding, all the recipes I looked through said that it should only be about a day or two old. I knew I needed to soak the bread in the milk for longer just to get the bread to soften up.

Fail #2: Since I only had about half a baguette, I halved all the ingredients. I only had half and half in the fridge so I substituted that for the milk and cream.

Fail #3: The recipe states to chill the pudding for an hour before putting it in the oven. Uhhhh, how about 12??? I started making the pudding and got a phone call from my ONE friend in Cupertino, asking me to come to a Greek food festival. Gyros, souvlaki, loukamades with a side of cute Greek boys???? PRIORITIES PEOPLE!

No really, I thought I would be gone for just two hours tops, but instead we ended up hopping from bar to bar in the Silicon Valley. GIRLS GONE WILD!

But in retrospect, I shoulda just stayed home and worked on this bread pudding cause it wasn’t as good as it should have been- Fail #3 was probably the kicker. Letting the bread soak overnight really just dried it all up- see the before it went into the fridge, and when I took it out 12 hours later. I think it’s supposed to be much gooier, right?

Doesn’t really help that I burned it slightly.

Oh, I added brandy-soaked raisins- which was a good call, but they burn easily cause of the alcohol so I’ve gotta watch out for that.

Kinda too dry, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I still ate this entire dish (FATTY), but I’m gonna try making this again tomorrow and actually follow the directions this time. Let’s see how I do- it’s a BREAD PUDDING OFF!!!