Baking chestnut cake dusted with powdered sugar and pine nuts. This was taken as part of an assignment for Edible Brooklyn to accompany an article on chestnuts.

Photo by Erin Gleeson.

Brownies come many a kind — I like these particular ones because they’re very light and discrete in flavour which means you can eat the whole cake and not feel overstuffed (even though you most certainly will be).

To me, brownies should be heavy, soggy, small bricks of chocolate. This is a recipe I’ve been playing around with for some time and made super basic, and whenever my friends sink their teeth into it they fall in love.

INGREDIENTS
100g butter (7 tblsp)
200g white sugar (little less than a cup)
2 eggs

60g white flour (1/4 cup)
1,5 tblsp cocoa powder
100 g walnut halves (1/2 cup)
1.5 tsp vanilla sugar
0.5 tsp baking powder
3 g salt (pinch more than a 1/2 teaspoon)

QUICK RECIPE
1. Melt the butter and mix it with the sugar and the eggs. Use an electric mixer.

2. Mix together all the dry ingredients and add it to the butter/sugar/egg mixture.

3. Whisk it up real good.

4. Add walnut halves and mix it through using a spatula.

5. Find a good-sized baking pan (perhaps 18 x 26 cm or perhaps a bit smaller) and cover it with wax paper. Pour the dough.

Note: It’s important that the pan isn’t too small as you want the dough to flow out when melting and then rise up into a very low cake.

6. Bake at 175˚C / 350˚F for 20-30 minutes.

7. Decorate with powdered sugar, leaves, ice cream or white chocolate.

I might experiment next time with adding chopped dark chocolate bits.

+++

RECIPE + PHOTOS

I apologize for the yellowish, muted photos. Denmark is in its darkest period at this time of year and it’s so overclouded that there’s barely any good photo light in my kitchen even though I turn on all the electric light.

Most of these ingredients are organic, but normally it’s hard to find that stuff in plain Danish supermarkets. I hope it gets easier. As usual Berkeley is far far away.

Also I personally prefer barn eggs (free-range) instead of organic eggs as barn chickens get more space, light and access to digging into the real ground. Organic chickens might live in small cages in the darkness and it would still be legal. So support your local barn chicken farm.

200g white sugar in my old-style kitchen scale.

Melt the butter before mixing. You don’t have to melt it into an all gooey pool of fat, just soften it enough to make it mixable.

Spoons with vanilla sugar, baking powder and cocoa powder.

Mix all the dry ingredients together.

Add some sea salt.

Mix butter and white sugar.

Fluff it up.

Add barn eggs and mix…

…into a silky smooth butter texture.

Add the bowl with dry ingredients and mix it all up.

Now it’s starting to look like chocolate cake dough.

Find a good baking tray and cover in baking paper. This is slightly too big, but rather that than too small.

Place the dough in the pan and off it goes into the preheated oven (175˚C / 350˚F). Don’t worry too much about getting it all flattened out in the pan — it will flow out by itself as it warms up.

Bake it…

…and then it will rise and fill out the bottom of the pan.

Bake for 20-30 minutes. Take it out and let it cool on a rack.

Cut into square pieces and serve with vanilla ice cream, green tea ice cream or sour cream. Or eat it right now.

Personally I prefer to let it sit for a good while — it’s almost better the day after when it’s cooled down and become chunky and full of flavour.

Perfect for those long winter nights when you’re prepping the holiday shopping lists, wrapping Christmas presents and in reality wanting to escape to the moon or Hawaii instead, no?

Before I start this week’s post, let’s congratulate Kayoko and the crew for revamping the Umamimart site to a whole new level. Orange is my favorite color, so this is cool, and soon enough, we will be FAMOUS bloggers!! Hooray.

As you’ve seen from my past posts, I’ve made cakes for basically all of my friends birthdays in recent years, and since I made pink Barbie cake for my friend Derek, there’s a lot of pressure now. I have to top each birthday cake with something better, crazier, and funny as hell.

My friend Mike’s birthday was coming up, and I decided to make a crazy cake for him. What shape or flavor should I create? Fun shape, fun flavor, what could I do?  After talking with friends, we came to conclude that it had to relate to his recent injury. He broke his foot pretty badly when he was playing gay football. Don’t ask me about the difference between regular football and gay football, but it has something to do with less protection? Flags or something? Since I don’t follow sports whatsoever, I have no idea when he talks about his “gay football league”.

Anyhow, he is recovering pretty well, and ready to get back to playing, which is good.

So what is broken leg cake? It could be a X-ray photo of broken leg on top of  square cake, but that’s kinda too realistic and gross, so I googled around “broken leg cake”, and someone has made it look like a leg in a cast. Great inspiration.

Knowing that his favorite cake was chocolate cake, I found an interesting German chocolate cake recipe that uses a lot of coffee.

INGREDIENTS

4 cups sugar
2 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 cup cocoa
3 tsp baking powder
3 tsp baking soda
2 tsp salt
4 eggs
2 cups buttermilk
1 cup butter, melted
2 tbsp vanilla extract
2 cups hot coffee

METHOD

Preheat oven to 350˚F degrees.

I used two cookie sheets to make this, just like my wedding cake. My idea was to make a jelly roll.

In the large bowl of a standing mixer, stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Add eggs, buttermilk, melted butter and vanilla extract; beat 2 minutes on medium speed.

Stir in the hot coffee.

The batter is soooo runny, and I may use 1 cup of coffee next time. Pour batter in evenly, spread it out and bake for about 15 minutes or so.

The cake is INCREDIBLY soft. Maybe buttermilk, maybe coffee, but whatever it was, this was almost too soft to make shapes. I was suddenly reminded by the horror story from my wedding cake endeavor, and realized rolling them wasn’t an option.

Me being pretty good at improvising, I decided to just layer them. By the way, above recipe makes way too much cake. You basically need half this to create the leg.

Meanwhile, I made raspberry jam-esque stuff using frozen raspberry, sugar and corn starch, to make the filling look like blood. How clever!

Not a great picture, but you can see how much it broke when cutting, assembling this soft cake.

Blood seeping out of flesh, how realistic this is! I know I was covering up with cream, so I let go of my perfectionism.

By the way, where the foot is, I made a large cake ball (mushing cake, mixing with a bit of raspberry jam as binder, and made a large flat ball shape, to fit how a foot may look like in this shape, and stuck it to the bottom of the “leg” part. I also made sure to use bunch of long wooden stick to secure its placement. You do not want “broken” broken leg cake, right?

I made cream cheese and white chocolate frosting, and first crumb-coated it.

Then I needed toes. Thank you marzipan. The color is pretty close to skin, and it was very easy to deal with. I just rolled them, looking at my own toes (this is important) and shape it like one, then press where the nail is with knife, toothpick, etc., to make a dent for nails.

This gives you a great idea for this year’s Halloween cake, don’t you think? I thought, after all, this was for a gay footballer, I need to flame this up.

It gets grosser! I painted the nails with red food coloring, and added a base to attach to cake.

Attach it to the top of the cake ball, and start piping the white cream, so that it looks like cast.

Then with the widest flat tip (898), carefully piped it, and also made sure each layer overlaps to give it a good “wrapped leg” effect.

Since the party was a block from my apartment, I carefully hand-carried it. While I was walking over, people were like, “WTF is that?!!” Then realized it was broken leg cake.

This was a big hit at the party. Sort of gross to say, but marzipan toes tasted quite good as well.

Happy Birthday Mike!

Can you believe it?!?!? Governor Cuomo and a bunch of super wealthy Republican bankers really said YES to gay marriage in the state of New York. When it was announced that, “Same sex marriage bill has passed”, I was overcome with amazement, joy, “it’s about f#*&ing time”–a lot of emotions.

Until this becomes a federal law (and they get rid of DOMA), the fight continues, but at least this is a HUGE and symbolic accomplishment. When I heard Republican Senator Mark Grisanti talk about how agonizing it was for him to make the decision, but that he just couldn’t bear to think that the same person who lives just like everyone else couldn’t get married because of his/her sexual preference–I was all teary. I made a visit to Stonewall Inn Saturday night and it was packed with happy faces.

The day has finally come when we have the same right as everyone else to be wed. Hooray! Can you imaging planning a gay wedding? How bitchy and meticulous the clients would be?!

So this year’s Pride weekend made a perfect occasion for me to make a kicked-up version of my beloved Barbie Doll Cake.

My friend organizes an annual pride party where gallons and gallons of frozen margaritas are consumed, and after my Barbie cake experience, naturally I had to make another version, even more funnier than last time.

Preparation started three weeks prior to the main day.

It’s a Pride cake, so I have to use Ken, but make him look pretty, right? I’ve seen someone using G.I. Joe and made a very butch drag cake, but I wanted something more elegant. So I bought both Ken and Barbie, plus an additional barbie head (nowadays, her head is interchangeable–so advanced).

He is too butch with short hair even with a crown on his head.

Somehow, I need to swap his head with hers. I really wanted to use his body, but I was afraid I might break it if I yanked the head. Oh, Barbie and Ken, what can I do?

I brought them into the office, and consulted with some of the female colleagues on what I should do. If you grow up playing with Barbie, I am sure they have done some horrible things to it.

Christy suggested I should just yank the head and swap. So I had a sex change operation in my cubicle. First I yanked off his head.

Then attached Barbie on his body.

I love how muscular the neck is. It totally worked!

Post-op Ken was totally happy with her pretty new face and hairdo. Posing with her twin sister Barbie.

Then I tried different hairstyles.

This updo is elegant. Looks like Katherine Heigl.

How about a bit loose like this?

Or crazy like that?

Is this too trendy?

Is this better?

Then I needed underwear on her. What kind of proper lady dress without undergarments?! I added food coloring to the marzipan and fitted her with a bra and panty set.

After all, he is a boy, so the bulge is necessary.

A bit too thick of a thong…

Looks more like a sumo wrestler’s diaper. Oh well.

Then I went to Strawberry’s and found the ugliest earrings, which I thought would make perfect head pieces. Plus I had a these laser lights from a friend of mine who went to Whitney’s new location launch party.

Again, he is so muscular, yet, very elegant from the head up. I hairsprayed the hell out of his hair so it would hold the “hairpieces” well.

Now it’s time to bake the cake. I was going to make this from scratch, but I knew that the cake is all about the Barbie, not so much about the cake itself, so I bought boxed cake instead. I thought about coloring the batter in rainbow shades, but I was too lazy, so just added a drop of food color and swirled it around.

Trippy and artistic.

I feared that the inside of the cake may not have the swirl, but oh well.

I used three boxes of cakes, made four regular rounds, and one sphere shaped one.

Since store-bought frosting is so gross, I made icing this time. Three pounds of cheese, six sticks of butter, four cups of powdered sugar. Good stuff.

Then color.

My idea for this cake was rainbow shades on the front side, plus an elegant black dress. Coloring white cream into black involves a lot of black food coloring. Still it was a dark gray.

Time to assemble. Remembering the disaster from my wedding cake adventure, I stuck dowels in the cake to avoid any incidents.

Crumb coat her.

Chill her for an hour. Crap, she was too tall to fit into the fridge, so I had to bend her neck.

Poor girl. After this, I could never fit the head back in properly. Her head was wobbly for the rest of her life.

Time to have fun. Decorate front side with rainbow.

Add an accent piece of jewelry if you have one.

All the piping on the back side was pain the ass.

I think cream cheese icing was a bit on the loose side, but held well enough.

After a couple hours of piping, she is finally ready for the show. I also made wings using the same earrings.

Compared to Barbie, you can tell how drag queen perfect she/he is with thick neck and muscular body structure.

Details of her dress.

Chill her until her show time. This time, I removed bunch of stuff from the fridge so she can stand without bending her neck.

On Sunday, I delivered the cake (luckily he lives a block from my apt). Just a little photo shoot on the stoop.

A dog was eyeing her right near us. We quickly picked her up to avoid any disasters.

Ah, she has arrived to the destination. Compare her gaze closely to her former Ken face.

He looks so sad.

Waiting for guests to arrive in the center of living room.

Someone stuck her pre-op face on her hand. Everyone thought she was a piñata, so we had to explain that this was actually an edible cake. Then people were very impressed by my work.

Time to eat/play with her. Do you see the nice diamond on her crotch?

After four hours of drinking margaritas, we were not in a mood to eat cake, but totally ready to play. Just like last time, we had fun with her, but it did not get as dirty. Ken’s body is less flexible than Barbie, plus his headpieces were pretty heavy, so we couldn’t steady him to do much actions.

We dumped her on leftover vegetable platter. We tried to put her in inappropriate poses, but as I said, it wasn’t as fun as a girl. After all, boys are not as flexible than girls.

RIP.

One of the guest at the party said EVERYONE in Nebraska gets a Barbie cake for their Sweet 16. I bet she is not as dirty or deeply thought through as this one, though.

It was so much fun to prepare, and think about what I could do, and after I finished decorating it, I lost interest. Next time, I will use a Barbie head and make an even larger cake. When would that be?

If you live in Manhattan, and want this cake, please contact me at yamahomo@umamimart.com. It won’t be cheap, but it will make your party extra fun!

After seeing so many people starting a second career by opening gluten-free bakeries around the U.S., I thought, “Martha, you totally missed your chance to capitalize on my MO-dessert line!”

Unfortunately, whenever I read recipes for gluten-free items online, it’s always so complicated. Xantham gum? What the hell is that? To substitute wheat flour people combine so many different grain flours, but this is New York City, where pantry space is too limited to keep stock of so many ingredients. This is where my genius MO creativity kicks in. It’s so simple, all you need is rice flour. No need to buy a bunch of different kinds of flours, and the result is a crispy outside with a chewy inside. Awesome.

So I made baked MOnuts (get it?? Instead of doughnut). I went to the baking supply store (if you bake cakes, the NYC cake store on 6th Ave and 22nd street is absolute heaven!) and found silicon molds. I was going to buy regular doughnut mold, but figured mini-bundt shapes will be cuter, plus have other usages in the future.

INGREDIENTS

180g sugar
160g rice flour
1tsp baking powder
4 eggs
3 tbsp honey
1 and half stick butter
1.5 tbsp heavy cream

METHOD

It’s pretty simple. Mix together eggs honey. Mix flour, sugar and baking powder. P our egg mixture into flour, and combine.

Since rice flour doesn’t have any gluten, there’s no way to mess this up. You just mix it all together. Simple.

Add melted butter, and heavy cream. Mix.

That’s it. While I was done mixing, I realized this recipe is basically the same as MOdeleines. It’s more of a cake then doughnut, but oh well.

Pour the batter into the mold:

Bake for 22 minutes in 350˚F oven. When toothpick comes out clean, it’s done.

Isn’t it cute?

This was good, although it was definitely more like cake, not a doughnut made out of rice flour. Oh well. It’s round, has a hole in the middle, taste good, so I would say MOnut was successful.

I am sure you have been wondering for a week what the hell I was going to do with Barbie doll.  I must say, this journey was one of the most hilarious baking experiences I’ve ever gone through.

I made a birthday cake for a friend of mine, let’s call him Deric Dercep, to keep his identity somewhat of a secret. He likes to dress up (if you know what I mean), and my first instinct was to make a cake that shapes like a high heel. You just cut out a rectangular cake to make it look like a heel, then decorate it. But it’s not that interesting. Then I was looking around what else I can do, and BINGO, I found it. A princess doll cake. These cakes are usually made for young girls’ birthdays, but come to think of it, it’s very X-rated and erotic. If you are easily offended by pornographic images, you may stop reading here. I cannot believe Barbie dolls are targeted towards kids.

This is how I did it.

Since I am also making MOdelaines for dessert, I made this cake, purely for wow and laughter factor. I used box cake mix and frosting from a tub.  I NEVER use the pre-made stuff, but I first wanted to see if this cake is really worth all the work. Plus the party was only 6 people, I didn’t want to make the way what recipe called for (serves 30).

First thing first: buy a barbie doll. Since all you need is the body, get the cheapest. By the way, Barbie dolls come in a crazy varieties nowadays, from Twilight to VERY sexy Ken to Bieber! I bought “Fashionista Glam” Barbie, purely for her hair do. This is very drag queen-style, I thought.

Strip her.

I am not going to mention anything here.  Let the comments go wild. Can you see her engraved panty?

Then wrap her in saran wrap (if you are planning to throw out the doll, no need to go through this process, but since I was giving Barbie as a gift, so I wrapped her).

Very Lady Gaga style, don’t you think?  Speaking of which, I should have put X-marks on her boobies for an even harder laugh when he takes the Barbie out of the cake!!!

Barbie prep work is now finished.

Instead of baking two boxes of cake mix (what the recipe called for), I just made one dome-shaped (using a bowl), and one regular 8-inch round.

Then I bought styrofoam to use as a base layer. I cut a hole in the center to hold Barbie up.

The reason why I wrapped this in plastic wrap was because the round was a bit too wide compared to the cake, so I shaved off a layer, which resulted in styrofoam crumbs everywhere. I didn’t want to have styrofoam in mouth when eating this cake, so I tightly wrapped the foam with nice Japanese plastic wrap. American wrap would never be able to pull off this kind of tight seal.

Three tubs of vanilla frosting, added a few drops of red dye to make a nice pink color.

Now the fun construction starts. Barbie awaits her dress to be fitted here.

Use frosting as the adhesive and place styrofoam layer on the cardboard (or whatever you are using as base).

Place round cake over styrofoam, carefully aligning the hole in the center.

Then cut the dome cake in half, add more frosting, and stack them together. Place Barbie in the center.

Crumb coat the entire “skirt”. I thought putting frosting on saran wrap would be hard, but it was actually pretty easy.

Since you are decorating so much later on, I didn’t bother to smooth out the surface.

Keep her in fridge for about 45 minutes.

Celebration starts already, standing right next to Veuve.

Now it’s time to go crazy.  Bring out your Sarah Burton lace skills and Vera Wang’s chiffon technique.

I had a photo shoot with her.  Here are some action shots.

This is just like Kate Middleton on her royal wedding day… sort of…

Now, to get the cake was safely transported to my friend’s apartment downtown. Just like the epic wedding cake experience, NYC is not a good city for transporting cakes at all. Our cab driver drove like a crazyman, and I was so afraid her head may tilt.  Thankfully, the round shape was very sturdy and she kept her figure very well.

I put her dress in her hand. The real hilarity starts here.

So embarrassing for her to reveal the lower parts of the body.

Now her bottom part is totally visible. She is always smiling though. What a girl!

People liked the actual cake. This made me feel pretty sad. I ALWAYS make cakes from scratch, but this was a boxed one, with quite disgusting frosting from a tub–is this what my friends like? I may need to find different friends who appreciates my real efforts…

Once you finish eating your cake, what do six gay guys do? Of course play with barbie, with frosting, and additional props.

CAUTION: This is not appropriate for children beyond this point.

I found a nice bikini piece (strawberry top). Kayoko made me fuzz out her boobs and cha-cha.

Talk to the hand!

Soaking in a pink bubble bath. Do you see her torso next to her head?

Even after her entire body parts were disjointed, she is still smiling.

We laughed soooo hard throughout this process, and when we saw all the pictures, we laughed even harder. There were some seriously X-rated photos–if you dare, take a look. Some of the pictures look pretty gross and very real.

As I said, Barbie dolls are not for kids. Or, I should say that Barbie dolls can be enjoyed both by kids and adults.

If you want to impress party guests, this is definitely one of the best way to go. I think I will continue making this cake for future occasions.

As you know, I love to bake, and I am especially fond of cakes. I do it all–classic cakes, crazy cakes, Japanese cakes, chocolate cakes, wedding cakes (trauma). I love to come up with crazy combinations, that I try to master after tweaking the recipe over and over. Over the years, I’ve posted many of them here on Umamimart, such as…

The Bacon Cupcake: (May, 2009):

The American Cake, for when my friend got his citizenship (September, 2007):

The Baumkuchen Follies (November, 2009):

12-Layer Heavenly Chocolate Cake (February 2008):

Japanese cheesecake (June 2009):

And, of course, the infamous wedding cake disaster (March 2009):

I usually make a cake for friends’ birthdays as well. I am making a very special cake for a friend of mine for his birthday, and I have thought long and hard about what would suit him best. It will be pretty funny. Meanwhile, take a look at some of the birthday cakes I have made in the past:

Rice flour carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for a gluten free friend:

A jelly roll with whipped cream and strawberry for a Japanese friend:

Double chocolate cake for a gay guy (this was actually his 35th):

Berry tart for a work colleague:

Macaron round cake for a very sophisticated and bitchy gay guy:

Pink bunny cake for a friend of mine whose birthday happened to fall on Easter weekend:

Yeah, I’ve made cakes. But brace yourself for one of the craziest and funniest cakes I will be posting next week. Here’s a hint:

At least this is how it will start out.

After getting canned without reason, the day after her maternity leave was up, Paula Cinini was not sure what to do; she had always worked as a journalist. To find some solace in this devastating situation, and cope with her mother’s passing, Paula dug up her mother’s old, partly-burned, worn recipe book and began baking.

The good book with mom’s recipes, burned pages, and finger prints throughout.

Baking is something Paula was taught to do with love. Baking reminded her of when she would help her mother and Italian grandma make pasta as a little girl. Paula took her skills into the kitchen and talent with words and built a blog that has been going strong for over three years. But, she didn’t stop there. Along with the help of her husband Alexandre (he taught himself chocolates, and Paula taught him cupcakes), and daughter Helena, Paula began to bake for their friend’s parties and events.

A cookie on a stick order going out for the weekend.

The popularity of her blog The Cookie Shop, and moist (yes) cakes, cookies, and cupcakes spread, and soon she had a business that she loved. All of her goods are sold virtually and baked right at home, with the help from Alexandre, who is in charge of the chocolates. Together, it is an entirely in-house operation that has transformed their home.

Paula and Alexandre.

Helena.

Alexandre’s white chocolate, caramel, and macadamia and chocolates.

Sugar cookies with killer frosting. I ate about four of these.

When asked about her first sell to a total stranger, Paula reveals that her client, a São Paulo University physics student, grabbed her and gave her a massive hug right there in the parking lot, where she admitted she was a huge fan of Paula’s blog, and “couldn’t wait to try her cupcakes!” Paula was clearly onto something.

Paula deep in concentration.

Et voila!

Brazilian baking is a bit different that of the U.S. or France. In a country where cake is a part of every afternoon snack, Paula admits that Brazilians are pretty particular about their cake, “They have to be more moist  (yes) and the fillings sweeter. You can’t mess with these two things too much because people are particular.” In Brazilian cakes the main event comes from the filling and not so much the frosting, although that is good too.

Our moist wedding cake: orange cake with layers of pistachio creme filling. Still drooling.

Straight from Roger Rabbit: my sister in-law’s coconut cake with fudge filling and sugar icing.

Fresh ingredients like pistachios, fruits, walnuts, and the very best flour fill her cakes (and kitchen).

The Cookie Shop.

Tools of the trade.

Lists.

The foundation.

The secret ingredient for Brazilian sweet-makers is condensed milk. Paula laughs, “The French patisseries deplore Brazil’s use of it, but no one really cares, because it tastes so good.” It is rumored that the white sweet gooey stuff is making a comeback stateside.

Due to good ol’ twitter, Paula has recently joined forces with a group of over 50 bakers, other bloggers, and sweet-makers forming a sort of “online oracle” where anyone with a baking emergency can find help within minutes. They call themselves the “Doceiras Tweeteiras” (The Tweeting Sweet-Makers) and have formed a support group for women home alone that exercise creativity and challenge themselves to tackle new recipes and projects.

Paula says her first cake order was a disaster. After the third attempt, the recipe was right, but she had not transported a cake before and  had to readjust and rebuild part of it in front of the birthday girl’s house! To achieve the extreme moistness of Brazilian cake require a process. It takes Paula three days to build a two layer wedding cake, with time to cool, let it settle, then add the filling. The waiting period is crucial to make sure the cake sets properly.

No matter how long it takes, The Cookie Shop’s aim is always to create magic.

Sweet!

Dear Microsoft Office (and all you other people who can’t differentiate between a macaron from a macaroon),

Macaron is not a macaroon. Every time I write “macaron”, you always highlight it, suggesting I misspelled the word and replace it with “macaroon” instead. How atrocious. I am not sure how Seattle’s gourmet food scene is, but I hear it’s pretty upscale now. You may be a nerd who stays in your office all day, and eat only at Microsoft’s cafeteria (which I am sure is super cheesy compared to Apple or Google’s). You may flip out on anyone who has an iPhone and exclaim, “How dare anyone buy Apple products!” You even highlight the word “iPhone” for god’s sake. You must REALLY hate Apple, and you believe Microsoft is actually a religion (although this could be said to Apple employees as well). It’s time for you to accept the reality that Apple is awesome.

Unfortunately however, the Microsoft Office system dominates the entire typing world. I am so praying that Steve Jobs creates the Apple version, which I am sure will be super cool. Their dictionary may even include words like “Snooki” or “Yamahomo”.

Microsoft, it’s time for you to upgrade your dictionary. Let me show you how different macarons and macaroons are.

Macaroons mainly consist of shredded coconut. You toast half the required batch of coconuts and almonds.

Mix this with the remaining raw shredded coconut and almonds.

Then add all the sweet stuff like condensed milk, and mix in the egg whites as binder. It’s all very basic, and there’s not many way to screw this up, aside from burning the whole thing.

These are macaroons.

Now, Microsoft, please meet the delicate macaron. They are so fragile, and take great efforts to perfect.

Macarons consist of egg whites, powdered sugar, almond flour (or my case, rice flour). If you over-mix the batter, they won’t rise. If you undermix the batter, they won’t rise. If you use fresh egg whites, they crack. If you make these under high-humidity conditions, you’re just fucked.

Microsoft, I hope you see enough evidence here to include “macaron” into your dictionary, and STOP bothering me with your annoying highlights whenever I type the word, which is quite often. A macaron is most certainly NOT a macaroon.

Sincerely,

Yamahomo

Before I go into this week’s tear-jerking post, I am fortunate to tell you that all my peeps in Japan are fine, but my thoughts are with everyone who is affected by the earthquake. This is truly awful, sad, and devastating for all of us. Japan may be well-equipped to handle the situation technologically, but if you can, please donate to Red Cross, or Japan Society’s Earthquake Relief Fund, or buy Lady Gaga’s wristband for the relief.  This is the time for everyone to help out! Japan, you will recover!

+++

When I bring home-baked goods to work, cook for friends, or entertain large groups and host big parties, people often tell me, “You are so Martha,” or “OMG, you should definitely sell these desserts!”  I never thought I had that kind of talent, since i mostly like to cook and bake to relieve stress. Anyway, we’re talking about MARTHA, the goddess of homemaking.  How can I compare myself to her?!  Yet, come to think of it, I bake, I cook, I knit, I arrange flowers, and I do a lot of homemaking stuff creatively, in fun, economic ways, as you can see some of my stuff below.

Structured flower arrangements for a work event:

A flower arrangement at my work’s entrance way (this taller than six feet, by the way):

This winter’s cowl creation. Bold cabling for a manly guy like myself:

I knit this because I saw a beautiful cowl at the Burberry store, which was $350, and thought I could recreate it myself.

A broach made out of embroidery threads, using braiding technique:

I can also dress a kimono properly. This was for a friend’s wedding. Yes, this was the dress for my wedding cake challenge.

What do you think, am I Martha enough?

Back in January, I happened to watch her show, and that’s where I was awakened. Martha announced, “I am looking for ReMarthable people, who are just like me, creative, innovative, and marketable in homemaking. Submit your entry by February 18, and you have a chance to win a BMW X3 customized by ME!”

I was hooked, not so much about the prize, but the whole concept that she is looking for someone just like her. I convinced myself that she was telling ME, Yamahomo, that I MUST submit my creations to be the next Martha. After all, she is getting old and her brand is solely herself, and there could only be one successor: ME!

I pondered long and hard about what I could submit to enter the contest. It’s hard to differentiate yourself  from other talents out there. Sure, I semi-professionally arrange flowers, and I can knit, but people who go on her show for crafts are quite highly-skilled.

So it came down to either cooking or baking. She is looking for an amateur who could create something great. Though I have come up interesting cooking ideas, I usually suck at creating recipe since I just add this or that and never in the same way next time I make it.

Then I thought, how about my MO-Desserts? [My desserts made with rice flour = MOchi-ko = MO!]

As you know, I obsessed over my MO creations. I went on a rampage, starting with the MOffins. Then came the CreMO Brulée, MOdeleines, and most recently MOcarons. They are all great, giving new textures and flavors to some of the most popular desserts. On top of that, the cultural bonding of these creations will definitely hit her sweet spots, especially since she loves Japan. Using Asian ingredients to create Western desserts–how brilliant! So I made up my mind and one evening, I cooked all four of my MO-Desserts for a photo shoot the next day.

My kitchen was a factory that evening. First, I made the MOcaron shells, and while they dried on the counter, I mixed the MOffin batter and put them in oven. Meanwhile, I made the MOdeleine batter, but as you remember, the batter has to rest so I decided to bake them next morning.

While all the bakings are being done, I made CreaMO Brulée on the stove. Such hard labor for just a few photos! I could have bought all of these things pre-made, and pretended that I made them.But that’s not me. When you present something to Martha, it must all be the real thing. She sees through everything. This is the power of Martha.

Once everything was baked and cooled, I was ready for the photo shoot. I bought a nice plate, and instead of taking individual pictures of each item, I thought it would be more impressive to have everything together.

We decided that the above picture is too Martha magazine-ish, so we decided to go with the image below.

I also had to come up with 250 words of why I am ReMarthable. I involved my friends and after a couple of back and forth exchanges, on February 17, a day before the deadline, I submitted the picture and the text below.

+++

Hi Martha,

My name is Ryohei YamaMOto. I was born and raised in Japan but am now a proud New Yorker.

Most days you can find me wearing a hand-made bowtie, preparing to entertain in the kitchen. I have several friends who– besides calling me the Japanese Martha– have adopted gluten-free diets for health reasons. This could be disastrous in the dessert department, as most American desserts rely heavily on wheat flour. But I’ve developed a ReMarthable specialty that blends Japanese culture and ingredients with Western dessert classics.

Instead of wheat flour I use rice flour (mochiko). It’s healthy, really easy to use in baking, and it’s delicious! Through a lot of trial and error I have developed MO-Desserts.

In addition to MOffins, creMO brulee and MOdelaines, my signature MO-Dessert is the MOcaron.  I have been refining both the taste and the baking process. MOcarons can be temperamental creatures, but I have now perfected the recipe for delicious flavors like matcha (green tea) and kinako (roasted soy powder)!

People love to experience the cultural and culinary merger of Japanese ingredients and Western foods.  When I share the cooking and baking process and the delectable final products, everyone tells me I am truly ReMarthable. Or is it ReMOrthable?!

Best,

Ryohei YamaMOto

+++

So I was done with submission, and very skeptical about it.

The next day, around 1:30pm, I received an e-mail from the show’s production assistant.

+++

Hi,

Thank you for your submission to our ReMarthable contest. We are currently reviewing submissions and are considering yours!  Please email us a high resolution photo of yourself and your submission photo, as well as the best phone number to reach you at. The photo resolution must be at least 300 dpi or 1920 x 1080 pixels. If you’re unsure of the photo resolution, still pass along the best quality photo you have. Please send the photos by Monday.

I know this is short notice so thank you in advance for the quick response. If you have any questions, please feel free to email us.  We look forward to hearing from you!

+++

I didn’t see the message until Saturday afternoon, and I had a dinner party Friday night, and talked about my submission, etc.  I didn’t think I would make it at all, but all my friends were very encouraging.

When I saw the message, I FREAKED out.  I was making Peking Duck at the moment, and I was like, “Joly shit, I need to find a professional photographer to take a picture of me!”  Since I had a couple of friends that night to taste the duck, as soon as they arrived, I consulted with them what to do, what to wear, where to take a photo of me, etc. My heart was pounding already.

We came to conclusion that I shouldn’t take a professional photo of me, since the product picture (above) looks semi-professional, and sending a professional headshot may be too much.

So I took this picture in front of the Peking Duck being roasted in the oven, and sent it out.

Then I checked out the official rule book of the contest. According to it, potential finalists will be notified on or about March 2nd via email. For two weeks, I waited and waited and waited more, thinking about what to wear, which bow tie to match which shirt, how to tell Martha I should succeed her show, etc.

On March 2nd, I was beside myself, looking at my phone, checking my email every two minutes. Nothing happened.

I was pissed off, especially since I thought about this a lot, and realized my potential, but she didn’t, or couldn’t. How could I talk about my creativity in 250 words? I should have sent her other creations and should have told her that I can do ANYTHING! I was telling my friends that I will bring this whole idea to Rachel Ray and she will totally dig it. At that point, my feelings toward Martha were definitely sour.

On March 3rd, I was totally depressed, but carried on the day as usual. I didn’t even check my phone, nor e-mail all day.

I went out for drinks with a friend for happy hour, and as we were walking to a bar I realized I hadn’t checked my phone at all that day. So I opened my phone, and there was a voice mail from someone I didn’t know. I checked the message, and it was from Martha’s people.

“Hi, my name is so and so, please give me a call at your earliest convenience.”

I dropped my bag on the street, screamed a little, shaked a lot, and immediately checked my email. There was a message from an administrator of the contest, that I WAS CHOSEN AS A POTENTIAL FINALIST and they need to run a background check, so they needed my social security number.

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT!!!

I sent my SSN right away. The next day, I spoke with the person who left voice mail the day before.

Martha’s rep: Hi, how are you? [She pronounced my name almost correctly, which was definitely a good sign]
Me: I am very fine, thank you.
Rep: So you are chosen as one of the potential finalist for ReMarthable contest, and I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Me: That is so great!
Rep: First, I know you are in New York, but can you basically walk to the studio on March 28, 29, and 30?
Me: Definitely.
Rep: And if you do win the contest, you will be given BMW X3, and you need to pay $5,000 in taxes, can you pay for that?
Me: Whatever Martha customizes, I will pay for at any price.
Rep: Great. Ok, we will decide the finalists by the end of next week, and I will let you know either way.
Me: Thank you so much, and I am looking forward to hearing from you!

My knees were shaking, I thought my future was set. I will be traveling with Martha to all the fun places, enjoying cocktails at her home parties, making MOcarons with her in her gorgeous kitchen, guiding her through Japanese towns, and heck, she will visit my mom’s house and enjoy her home-cooking meal as well and we will all totally be BFF!

Over the weekend, I made more MOcarons. While I mixed the batter, I practiced what I would say about how I came up with my MO-Desserts, rice flour and kinako. Should I talk about it from a celiac disease angle, or nut allergies, or should I stick to Asian/Western combination, or what else could I make using rice flour. My head was filled with Martha.

Monday passed, then Tuesday passed without any updates.

I was hopeful in one moment, then totally pessimistic a minute later. I was thinking how many “potential” finalists were chosen, and calculated my chances on being in the final five. I was also a bit suspicious since I wasn’t being interviewed over the phone.  If I were the producer of the show, I would want to speak with potential finalist personally, especially with my Asian face, who knows if I can even speak English.

This was all clouding my head. Maybe I was the contingency, since I can walk to the studio?  If better finalists can’t make it to the city, I would be chosen?  NO! Yamahomo, don’t think that way, she should totally choose you since you are awesome. There are 3,400 entries, and I am probably in the top ten, which is already super great, so even if I don’t get chosen, it is a great experience.

NO she MUST pick me since I am destined to be the next Martha.

This is basically what went through my head every minute on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

On Wednesday afternoon, my phone rang.  Yes, it was from the show’s people. This is it. This is the phone call to decide my entire future!

Me: Hello?
Martha Rep: Hi, this is so and so from Martha show, how are you?
Me (with a shaky voice): I am fine thank you.
Rep: Once again, thank you so much for your submission. Unfortunately we didn’t choose you as the finalist of ReMarthable, but I wanted to let you know since I am sure you were anxious to know the result.
Me: That’s too bad, but I totally understand…
Rep: I am sorry, but please keep trying, and keep baking!
Me: Thank you.

And it was over… I was rejected.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t in a state of suicidal, nor crying, nor punching someone. I was actually happy. This was my first ever submission to any type of contest in my WHOLE life, and if I were to be chosen now, I can totally see myself becoming Charlie Sheen within two years. Fame should be built up, not come in a second like Snooki.

Also this experience gave me a lot of confidence in myself. Whatever I create for fun, for guests, for colleagues, I have the potential to make it into something ReMarthable.

Having said that, what went wrong?

A.) Obviously others were better than mine.
B.) I was too good to be included in “amateur” category.
C.) My background check didn’t pass.

I want to think it was B, but for now, I will settle for A. We should all tune in the end of this month, and see if it turns out that:

A.) Yep, their stuff is definitely cooler than mine
B.) WTF, I don’t understand why I wasn’t chosen

And I am not going to lie, I am still hoping one of the finalists gets injured and I will be called upon as a back-up.

Dear Martha: I will be back.