umamimart

Christmas is nearly upon us, and while most folks are building jolly snowmen and merrily singing carols, every year there are those who wake on Christmas morning to the sad realization that they had been placed on the naughty list, with only a few lumps of coal in their stockings as their best hope of a gift.

And who’s in charge of making the big decisions as to who’s been naughty or nice? Well old St. Nick of course, but what I don’t understand is who put this guy in charge in the first place?

Seriously though, what’s this Santa fella’s problem anyway? I mean, who does he think he is with this naughty or nice business? He sounds like a pretty judgmental guy if you ask me. The funny thing is he ought to be the last guy to judge others, since it’s highly doubtful that he’s ever passed up on putting cheese on his double reindeer burger, you know what I mean? And the guy can build every toy imaginable, and always up to date with technology, but can’t build himself a treadmill?

Of course if you’ve been a goodie-two-shoes all year you’re not worried. Shoot, you’re probably enthralled with the guy, and if he were on twitter you’d probably be the first to follow him. But for the rest of us, if you’re tired of finding lumps of coal in your stockings (how cruel is that?), and if you suspect this year will only be more of the same, then listen up because I got your lump of revenge right here. It’s called Hot Milk Punch, and it’s the perfect way to lure in the fat boy–via his favorite midnight snack.

We all know the fat bastard has a weakness for milk and cookies, so that’s exactly what we’re going to use to lure him in. But instead of the traditional energizing and focus-inducing glass of cold milk and cookies, we’ll offer him up some cookies along with Hot Milk Punch, aka liquid sleeping pills. Nothing like warm milk and booze to keep him alert and wide awake for the remainder of his trip.*

Hot Milk Punch
3/4 oz dark rum
3/4 oz brandy
1 tsp caster sugar (superfine sugar)
hot milk to fill
nutmeg to top

Glass: any tea/coffee mug

Heat milk in a pot. Meanwhile mix rum, brandy, and sugar in your mug until it dissolves. Pour in the hot milk and sprinkle with nutmeg on top. You can adjust the alcohol down (or up) to your liking (or level of mercy).

I think this year Santa should get the message loud and clear that naughty or nice, we all need a little love this time of year.

Let’s see how Rudolf saves the day with a plastered Santa at the helm, mwaaawhahahahahaa!

*This post is meant in good fun. Neither Happy Hour nor Umamimart endorse driving drunk, be it a car or a sleigh, unless you really have to get home pretty bad. We also do not endorse violence against Santa, be it the real Santa or the near-homeless alcoholic guy they hire at the local department store every year. If you’ve been offended in any way by this post then you need to get a massage, smoke a spliff, or do something that relaxes you, as you’re obviously wound too tight–perhaps try some Hot Milk Punch!

Got a cocktail question? Hit me on twitter @paystyle, email me at payman(at)lifesacocktail(dot)com, or simply drop me a comment below!

Paystyle was born in Tehran and grew up in Los Angeles (aka Tehrangeles) before moving to Brooklyn with his wife and co-pilot Vanessa Bahmani who provides the stunning photography of Pay’s concoctions. Return every Wednesday for his weekly Happy Hour column.